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Guideline to the many types of people you may encounter playing shinny...which type are you?

Item Description
Ideal Players Serious hockey organizers look for The “holy trinity” of hockey – Good player, Shows up, PAYS. (usually people only possess two virtues max)
"Puck hog": These guys often play defense ('stay away from home defenceman'). They won't pass, characterized by end to end rushes, then may pass off if cornered in the opponent's end, where they often try the 'wrap around shot' or lose the puck. Seems to want to "put on a clinic" during the game".
"Show off" Specialized puck hog, has quick feet, good skater, tends to take it behind his own net to command the play. May be a subset of the "He played junior" type.
"doesn't get what its about" Forgets it’s a game for fun, Very intense, may swear aloud, over aggressive, fights/slashes. May be a compulsive slap shooter. May want to keep score. May make a big show about scoring.  May be a subset of the "He played junior" type.
"He played Junior": This really is two categories in one: Recent Junior and Long Ago Junior.  1. Recent Junior: The typical giveaway on this type is the 'tilted back helmet and visor' look indicating a player too recently out of junior to get the 'having fun' concept.   Their ability is clearly way higher than average and they usually are most useful to a team when playing defense. 2: The Long Ago Junior types are solid, two way players with really good all around skills. Typically they get the 'having fun' concept, and are always an asset.  These guys are hard to spot, so ask them if you suspect it, otherwise you may consider yourself a slow learner or a 'PILON', when in fact these guys are actually much better than the average player and its too late for you to hope that you will never be as good as they are...
a "Young guy" Typically in late teens, early twenties, although the threshold seems to get higher as YOU age. Typically more aggressive, fast, and sometimes a subset of "doesn't get what its about" type. Often wants to play forward, score pretty goals.
"Former Pro" This sounds intimidating, but typically its just the opposite. 1. These are extremely skilled players, regardless of age or physical shape. 2.They play for love of the game at this stage. 3.They tend to playmake and pass a lot (if you do catch them shooting to much, claim you are going to apply to have their amateur standing revoked with the...National Hockey Institute or something ominous. 4.They will provide helpful hints & strategies (IF YOU ASK). 5.Playing with these guys helps you understand what you are good at (i.e. NOT HOCKEY).  6.See "Psyching out opponents" for more on usefull team strategies using these types.
"Almost made it to the NHL" This could also be a subset of "He played Junior".  This is an excellent all around player that is nearly impossible to discern from the "Former Pro", and therefore shows you the fine line between "making it" and not.
"Girls" More and more women are playing shinny hockey with men.  Aside from using a different changeroom , they are characterized by the fact that 1.They typically play very positional, disciplined hockey.  2.Invariably smell better than men.  For you men, don't be fooled into a sense of superiority when playing with women, as disciplined play usually triumphs over freewheeling in the long run.


Thanks to Karl G. one of the Harriers from the "Kanata Hawks Perhaps You've Heard of Us Hockey Club" for this submission (I think Karl admits to some anger 'issues' after this rant):

The 'Sportsmoron'
- unlike the novice adult hockey player, this new entrant to the shinny ranks attempts to leap frog the pecking order based on an excessive amount of NHL colour commentary exposure. Can be easily spotted in the dressing room talking loudly about the cost/benefits of his new age Kevlar equipment or how his $200 composite
stick 'sucks' cause he has to adjust the turrets on his slapshot. On the ice - look for frequent head shaking when things don't go their way and persistent issues with equipment failure, bad ice and wardrobe malfunctions that prevent them from performing up to par. On the bench, has no shortage of unsolicited advice for those he perceives to be
novice level and kisses up fiercely to anyone looking like a pro or junior in a manner similar to the "Spike and Chester' dog cartoon on Bugs Bunny. Being ignored or barely tolerated by the general pack only inspires a post-game beverage room banter where they exhibit a Don Cherry - Ron McLean like schizophrenia on hockey matters depending on
the 'junior' guy's reaction. Advice - nobody cares what you know about hockey - it's what you do on the ice that matters. See Shinny guide on how to fit in regardless of current skill level and stop worrying if anyone will figure out you were the guy they pants'd in grade school. No one's out here to prove anything except that they still enjoy hockey.
 The 'Grassy Knoll Commissioner'
- this is the commish killer - the one guy in an otherwise smooth running ship that through good intentions or not annoys the commish with free league improvement tips, ice time complaints, second guessing the teams to the point where the commish not only resigns his post but joins another league. Native habitat is the low lying periphery and can be recognized by his distinctive chirping
phrases like 'Who's got pucks ?', 'Where's the water bottles', 'Does anyone know when we play next ?' and of course 'We should have a league website and sponsor'. Continuous improvement philosophy is matched in zeal only by their aversion to ever being the real commish. Advice: Maybe you think you're a good GM in your fantasy football league but
virtual players can't vote you off the island. Try running a hockey league for a bit then give advice - and last time I checked the average salary of a Shinny commish was $0.00 so be prepared to volunteer to do whatever great idea you've come up with. :-}
The 'Vezina Trophy' winner
- the only thing more ridiculous than a player keeping score or counting their goals in Shinny is a goalie in a two goalie league vying for the top goalie honours. Can be spotted in the dressing room with that pre game 'don't look at me' face, designer pads, superstitious rituals and a goalie mask featuring the beast from a
recent horror flick. Game time is marked by yelling obscenities at their defense and adopting a crease etiquette fluctuating between Billy Smith hacking and Patrick Roy showboating. Hey Patrick - you're the man but if you piss off your back up and he goes away we don't have a Shinny game anymore - right ? Advice: Most of us got the bad boy attitude and the trophy thing out of our system by age you've got a small penis -
we don't judge in Shinny.. :-}
The 'Hot Dog'
- somewhere below 'Puck Hog' and 'Show off' on the species food chain sits the 'Hot Dog'. Though less skilled and slower than his relatives this player is much more annoying in that he excels at a series of Peewee novelty moves that seem to have the sole purpose of taking advantage of the no contact, varied skill level Shinny game and
embarrassing an unsuspecting opponent. Though memorable to the fans and teammates, rarely contributes on the scoreboard - if they do score will strut their elaborate plumage in a goal celebration rivaling MC Hammer's 'Can't Touch This' video. At some inevitable time in the season uses up all his 'get out of jail free' cards to the point where an 'Old Junior' or 'Almost Pro' summarily dumps him on his ass just to set the record straight on why everyone dropped their novelty moves on the way up to the Bigs. Advice: These guys are harmless and karma always catches up with them. They provide comic relief and when else are you allowed to hit with impunity in Shinny ? :-} (Note: author may be a hot dog)

--- Isn't writing the unwriten rules of shinny hockey against the rules??? ---